Let my preface this post by saying I don’t think I am ugly…ok I don’t usually think I’m ugly. Honest. Most of the time I am pretty sure that I am cute, sometimes even pretty. But some days I feel downright ugly. So the fact that I put myself out there on the internet via this blog sometimes astounds me.
I had the opportunity to go to a really awesome blogger event that I’ll be sharing more about it later. It was amazing fun. And also completely terrifying. I was surrounded by these gorgeous, fashionable, model quality bloggers. I immediately felt like I was in high school all over again.
My insecurities came out hard and fast. I hadn’t really thought much about it when I accepted the invitation to the event. I was just so excited to attend an event in Holland that I jumped at the chance to go (didn’t hurt it’s one of my favorite stores to window shop in town). But then the day of came and I was looking at attending an event where I only sort of knew two of the other attendee’s by myself.
Talk about an introverts worse fear.
The intensity of my insecurity though was not something I had anticipated. Not to long ago Meaghan and I went to this Tuesday’s Together event, it was a pretty great networking event and we met some amazingly talented entrepreneurs in West Michigan. Both of us felt a little out of place when we got there, but overall everyone was so welcoming and friendly that we got over it pretty quick.
One of the attendees was Liz Marie from Liz Marie Blog. I think I am officially blog stalking her (commenting on 3+ posts in one day probably counts as blog stalking) and I love her blog a lot. So much cool DIY stuff, home decor, all kinds of fancy stuff I am just no good at, as well as a fellow PCOS sufferer. So seeing this post on Facebook after our event struck me.
If someone who looks like that feels insecure what the hell am I going to do. Excuse the language. But seriously. I’m screwed.
I’m incredibly self-conscious of my looks. Because of my PCOS I get all the joyful side effects that include weight gain, hormonal outbreaks, and excess hair growth. What a cheery combination in someone already struggling with self-image.
This last year I’ve been working on my personal style. I’ve loved my Stitch Fix boxes and my Gwynnie Bee subscription. I’ve found clothes that are appropriate styles for my body shape. I’ve found items that make me feel good. But more days than I care to admit I am in tears looking in the mirror.
I hate the way my clothes fit. I hate the way my hair looks. I hate every little thing I see and can not stand the idea of going out in public. My poor, poor husband, I really don’t understand how he deals with me at all.
But every day he holds me.
Every day he hugs me.
Every day he tells me I am beautiful and that he loves me.
No matter how many times I hear that though it never really sinks in. All I can see are the negatives. And yes I know we all do that. I saw a meme once that said “if women ever see how beautiful they are, several industries would go out of business.”
And I would absolutely kick my best friends behind if she ever thought or said about herself the things I say to myself. And how will I ever tell my daughters to be confident if their mom avoids every mirror. But oh the miles between your brain and your heart.
I am so blessed. I have an amazing husband. I have wonderful friends. I have an amazing tribe. While I was freaking out, they were a balm for my aching soul. Full of sass and love and creativity I am surrounded by beautiful women. Women who build each other up, build me up, and give so much of themselves.
I know that my feelings are not unique, that too many of us have more bad days than good. I wish I could wave a wand and wipe away those feelings. For myself. For all of us. For future generations. But that won’t happen. So I will continue to share my struggles. Share my good days. Share everything in between in the hopes that someday I have a chance to share Confessions of a Beautiful Girl.
- I love a good selfie. Honestly, the only pictures of myself that I like are selfies. The angle works for me, I know exactly how to tilt my head, use a good filter, and boom a decent picture of myself.
- You never know what a smile is hiding. This is a lesson my grandma taught me many years ago as we sat talking on the porch. ‘Just because someone is laughing on the outside doesn’t mean they aren’t crying on the inside.’
- The size of my dress does not change the struggle of my heart. I’ve been a size 4 and a size 16 and everything in between. Insecurity does not know or care what size you wear.
- It is impossible to see in yourself what you see in others. And just as hard to see what they see in you.
- Happiness and joy can and will go hand in hand with insecurity and agony. The very best day of your life and you can absolutely still feel ugly.
Some recent articles I have found online this week have been timely.
One girl who was famous via Instagram gave a heartfelt and honest account of why life on social media is not the truth.
An awful group is taking photos of plus size models and ‘thinning’ them down in order to fat shame them. Gross.